patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the
Tea Party, and the fact Republicans won the Senate, are prompting an
exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required
to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was
cold, exhausted, and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and
some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left
before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers
that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much that they wouldn't give any milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left
to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for
our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found
one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They
did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though." When liberals
are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly
that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where
liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing
the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus
trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching
half-a-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to
prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious
about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael
Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.
"How many art history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged
that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A
source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul
McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some
endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to
reach out," he said.