Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Liberals Immigrate to Canada

 The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
 has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
 patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the
 Tea Party, and the fact Republicans won the Senate, are prompting an
 exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required
 to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

 Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
 sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing
 their fields at night.

 "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
 producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red
 Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was
 cold, exhausted, and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and
 some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left
 before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

 In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
 fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers
 that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
 said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
 much that they wouldn't give any milk."

 Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet
 liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
 wagons, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left
 to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for
 our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found
 one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They
 did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though." When liberals
 are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly
 that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
 circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where
 liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

 In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing
 the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus
 trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching
 half-a-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian
 immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
 supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to
 prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the
 accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious
 about their age," an official said.

 Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
 creating an organic broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael
 Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the
 Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.
 "How many art history majors does one country need?"

 In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
 Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged
 that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A
 source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul
 McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some
 endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to
 reach out," he said.

No comments:

Post a Comment